He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
