One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
