Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
