She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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