Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
