ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
