apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
