I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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