I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
