I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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