walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
