New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
