I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
