the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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