My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
