Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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