If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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