how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
