i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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