She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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