you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
