next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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