im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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