i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
