She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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