yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
