bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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