you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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