Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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