I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
