I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hippo gnu deer
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
