I look better un-naked...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
