If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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