Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
