they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
