I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
