Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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