Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
