Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
