booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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