Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
