You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
