I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
