My boss' voice literally gives me gas
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
