so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
