matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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