She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
