By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
