The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
