his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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