Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
