my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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