Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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