My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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