her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize