Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
