Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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