Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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