the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
