She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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