We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
