Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
