You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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