I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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